You have the right to live free of abuse in your relationship.
Safety Planning
Violent incidents can happen suddenly in an abusive relationship, but you can make a plan ahead of time that can help keep you safe. Because violence can occur at unexpected times, it is a good idea to make a safety plan for all of the possible places or situations where you could be in danger. Below are some suggestions for what to include in a safety plan.
Safety During an Explosive Incident
Planning ahead can help in crucial ways when a violent situation erupts. Practice how to get out of your home safely—know which doors, windows, elevator, or stairs would be the best escape route. Pack a bag with all vital documents (restraining order, birth certificate(s), social security card(s), etc.), a change of clothing, extra keys, or anything you might need if you were fleeing your home. Know where you could go if you were forced to leave your house quickly. Find a neighbor who you can talk to about the violence, and ask them to call the police if they notice a disturbance coming from your home. You can also create a code word or phrase that means you are in danger and share it with your family, friends, and the neighbor who knows what is going on.
When the altercation is happening, try (if you can) to move into a room that has access to an exit, and limited access to objects that could be used as weapons. Trust your instincts and use your judgement to keep yourself safe. The most important thing to do in a violent situation is to call 911 as soon as you can. Of course, you may not be able to call the police yourself—this is why it is advantageous to establish a way to signal you are in danger to someone you know who can call 911 for you.
Leaving your abuser can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. Planning ahead can make all the difference. Below is a checklist for items you may need when you leave:
Identification
Birth certificates
Social Security cards
House/car keys
Medications
Bank/check books and financial records
Insurance papers
Rental agreement/house deed
Money
All medical information and documents
Pets (if possible)
Pictures
Restraining Order
School records
Welfare ID
Work permits, green cards, other identification documents
Marriage certificates
Address book
Divorce papers
Phone charger
Jewelry
Safety When Preparing to Leave
When you are ready to leave know where you can stay and who could lend you money if you need it. Always try to take your children with you, or make arrangements ahead of time for them to stay with someone you know who will keep them safe. It may be helpful to leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, and extra clothes with someone you trust. Opening your own savings account is a great way to increase your independence and save up extra cash for incidental expenses when you are fleeing.
It is a good idea to meet with a domestic violence advocate and review your safety plan—they can help you brainstorm more ways to keep you safe. When you are leaving, keep the phone number for the shelter close at hand.
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Teach your children when, how, and who to contact if there’s an emergency. This might include trusted friends, family members, neighbors, or local services.
If possible, help them understand when it’s safest to leave the home as soon as trouble begins, and identify safe places they can go. Create this plan in advance with the trusted people your children can turn to in a crisis.
Identify a safe space in your home where they can go when they feel scared, along with a calming activity or object they can focus on to feel secure.
Make sure your children understand that they should never try to step in during violent moments, even if they feel the urge to protect someone.
Lastly, plan ahead for what you’ll do if your children share any part of your safety plan with your partner, and remind yourself never to blame them for how they respond to an abusive situation.
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It’s completely understandable to worry about what might happen to your pets if you decide to leave an abusive relationship. Including your pets in your safety plan helps ensure that every member of your family has a path to safety.
Start by gathering proof that your pets belong to you. Make sure they’re vaccinated and licensed where you live, and that all registrations are in your name. If they aren’t, take steps to get that information updated.
Whenever possible, try not to leave your pets alone with your abusive partner.
If your pet has a microchip, verify that your partner isn’t listed as one of the emergency contacts.
As you prepare to leave, reach out to trusted friends, family members, or your veterinarian to see if anyone can care for your pet temporarily. If that’s not possible, look into organizations that help domestic violence survivors with safe housing for pets, or connect directly with your local domestic violence or animal shelter. You can also search for nearby shelters through the Humane Society website.
When you leave, take the essentials your pet will need — food, any medications, copies of their medical and vaccination records, and contact information for vets or shelters.
If you had to leave your pet behind, reach out for local help — for example, contact animal control or nearby shelters to ask if they can assist or check on your pet’s safety.
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Digital devices and online accounts can be tools for staying connected, but they can also be used for monitoring or control in abusive situations. Taking steps to protect your privacy and digital safety can help you stay secure as you plan and move forward.
Start by reviewing your devices for signs of monitoring. If you think your phone, computer, or tablet may have spyware, avoid using them to research safety plans or communicate about leaving. Use a safe device instead — a friend’s phone, a computer at work, or one at a public library.
Update passwords on all your accounts, especially email, social media, and financial services. Choose strong, unique passwords that your partner wouldn’t guess, and avoid using shared recovery emails or phone numbers.
Turn off location sharing and check privacy settings on social media and mobile apps. Remove any connected devices (such as smart home systems or GPS trackers) that your partner might access remotely.
If you think your partner has access to your online banking or digital payment tools, contact your bank to set up additional security measures or new accounts.
When you leave, consider changing your phone number, getting a new device, and setting up new accounts using different credentials.
Restraining Orders
A restraining order is a great way to let officers of the law know that your abuser cannot come near you. Make copies of the restraining order so you can keep a copy with you and others in your car, at work, at friends’ and families’ houses, or anywhere else you might be. Make sure you tell everyone you know that the restraining order is in effect.
If your abuser ever violates the terms of the restraining order, call the police immediately! However, also try to think of other ways you could keep safe in case the police cannot respond right away.
Below are the different types of restraining orders in California:
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An EPO is requested by police and approved by a judge when there is an immediate danger, like recent abuse or threats.
It starts right away and usually only lasts a few days (about 5 court days or 7 calendar days) to give time to go to court for longer protection
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A TRO is requested directly from the court and gives short-term protection until the full hearing, usually about 20–25 days.
It can order the other person not to contact, harass, or come near you or your home, work, or school.
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A DVRO is for cases involving a close or intimate relationship, like a spouse, partner, or close family member.
After a hearing, a DVRO can last up to five years and may also include orders about housing, children, and support.
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A CPO is issued in a criminal case to protect a victim or witness when someone is charged with a crime, such as domestic violence or stalking.
It can order no contact or limited contact and often stays in place while the criminal case is active, sometimes longer depending on the sentence.
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