If the statistics are correct, at some point in your life, you will know someone who is being abused by their partner. This also means that someone you know may actually be an abusive partner, a good friend, family member or co-worker. Once you know it, or suspect it, it’s very hard to know what to do. In many cases, it won’t be obvious. They won’t just out and tell you. You won’t see bruises or hear fighting. They may even seem to be just fine when you do see them together. If someone gets into a new relationship, changes will seem normal. You don’t see your friend as much. Your family member isn’t coming to events like they used to do. But then things will begin to change. They break dates, make excuses. Your co-worker may miss work, be calling in sick more frequently. The partner is making a lot of decisions. Your friend may deny any problems, or minimize them by saying their partner “has been under a lot of stress lately.” You may not know what is going on, but something about it makes you uncomfortable. These may be signs of abuse. Remember, most abuse is NOT physical. Not all bad behavior in a relationship is abuse. Abusers come in all shapes, all demeanors, all professions. If you are unsure, talk to a domestic violence advocate. They can help you identify what you see and give you some suggestions on what to do to help.

Before you bring up the subject, find out all you can about domestic violence. For more in formation see the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Encourage your friend to do things with you and with other friends. Encourage them to take part in activities outside of their relationship with their partner.

Help you friend focus on safety. Help them to explore resources. Help them see the pattern in the abuser's behavior and to figure ways to be safe during incidents. Remember your friend knows their partner better then you - do not assume you know the abusive partners behavior. Your friend is the expert in the relationship.

When someone you know and /or love is being abused, the first thing to remember is that you can’t fix it. You can help, be supportive, hear them out, offer assistance, but our first reactions are to either panic and jump in, start telling them what to do, or what you would do. So we encourage you to do none of those things. It doesn’t help and if they are being abused, they are already dealing with that at home. If you aren’t sure if someone is being abused, the best thing you can do is to learn about domestic violence. Read about all the different forms. Talk to a domestic violence advocate about what you are seeing and what resources are available. If you have been abused in your past, this could be especially troubling for you for many reasons. Seek support for yourself as well.

Having that first conversation, where you try to find out if they are indeed being abused by their partner, may be challenging. They may deny it. They may be embarrassed. They may get mad at you. All of these things are normal. What is important is how you handle it and what happens after. If someone tells you they are being abused, listen. Believe them. Remember, not all abuse is physical.  You may be the first person they’ve told. You may be one of many. Either way, what they tell you may be hard to believe, but it is most likely, very unfortunately true.

Taking the next step may save someone’s life.

Two big things NOT to do:  put-down the abuser and put blame on the person you are worried about. You may be angry at the abuser, but really, enough focus is already on that person. It’s better to spend the time finding out how your friend is doing. What is going on in their life and how they are being affected.  A put-down session, in the end, really isn’t helpful and you spend the entire time talking about the abuser and not helping the person you want to help. Blaming is beyond just telling them they must be doing something wrong to be getting abused. Firstly, that isn’t true. It’s never their fault. Secondly, blaming is also not respecting their reasons for staying in the relationship. There are hundreds of reasons why someone would want or need to stay in an abusive relationship, but not one good one for why they are being abused in the first place.

See the next section on “Listening” for more ideas of how to help, or talk to an advocate.

It’s really, really hard to do. Really hard. But when someone you know is being abused, the best most effective thing you can do is to listen to what they are telling you with an open mind and without judgment. They may be confused themselves. The absolutely most common thing survivors say is that “no one wants to hear this again” or “no one will believe me.” We hear this in some form from just about everyone. It usually takes about 7-10 tries before someone leaves an abusive relationship, so get ready to be patient.

 If this is the first conversation you’ve had with them about the abuse, ask them what they want to do. This is a really powerful, very simple thing to do. They may answer by saying what their abuser wants, or what their fears are, but try to get them to just say what they want. It may be hard for them, especially if they don’t have that kind of freedom in their relationship. In an abusive relationship, sometimes, it’s hard to think outside of just getting by day to day. Being able to say it is a big step towards doing it.

If they don’t know what they want to do, it’s ok. It’s ok for them and it has to be ok for you. Tell them that. They may apologize to you or tell you they think they let you down, but assure them they haven’t and make sure you mean it yourself. Try not to fill in the gaps for them or tell them they have to leave or do this or that. You have the best of intentions, but it won’t go into their heart that way. They will hear it as a failure on their part and they may retreat even further. Just let them know you believe them and offer to help them in whatever way you think you can. They may not be handling it the way you think they should be, but they are the true experts on their situation and ultimately will know what to do and when to do it. How successful they are depends on the support they have behind them.

When someone leaves an abusive relationship, sometimes, things can get even worse. First, it takes 7-10 tries for someone to successfully leave an abusive situation. And no matter what kind of relationship it is, ending it is always difficult. It is admitting that what you thought you would have isn’t going to be and that is always painful, even if what you actually had was a nightmare.

 This is when things get challenging in a whole different way. If you look at the Spiral of Abuse diagram under the Cycle of Violence, this cycle tends to keep going even after the person has left the relationship. Any number of things can happen. The abuser may sweeten up, promise to change, even start to make those changes and the person who has been abused can be very confused by this. It looks so real! The abuser can also go the exact opposite way and your friend’s physical and emotional life can be in real danger. Abusers can go after the kids, the house, make all kinds of allegations against the person who was abused. Navigating all of the legal issues, social services and just the break-ups in general is tiring and this is the time of the best support. It can be really, really terrifying. A lot of abused persons go back just because they can’t handle not knowing what will happen.

As a friend, set your boundaries and only do what you know you can do. Be honest with your friend about that. Be ok with hearing the same stories over and over again. If this is happening to someone close to you, it’s ok to seek support for yourself.

You cannot fix your friend’s life. You can’t rescue them and you cannot neglect your own life to take care of them. Ultimately, we all make our own choices. We are all the experts on our own lives. We may not always have access to the ability to make the best decisions, but it’s up to us.

It is in many ways, it is in your friend’s best interest for you to be supportive, but not deeply involved. Confronting the abuser may make things much worse for everyone, including you, and they most likely won’t change anyway. Your friend can’t live on your couch forever and it will be more healing and healthy for them to have their own safe, stress-free space. In a situation where control has been taken from someone, helping them to learn how to take back that control by themselves on their own terms is far more helpful than doing it for them.

Stay calm. Find support for yourself, especially if you have your own history of abuse. Be very mindful of your own safety. Be patient. Remember, this is their story, not yours and when you need to take a break, take a break. You are going to make mistakes and say the wrong thing, but in the end, it’s up to them. You do the best for your loved ones by first taking care of you.