Does your partner ever. . .

__Hit, slap, punch, shove, bite, cut, choke, kick, burn or spit on you?

__Throw objects a you or restrain you?

__Threaten to hut you with an object or deadly weapon?

__Abandon you or lock you out?

__Neglect you when you are sick or pregnant?

__Endager you or you children through reckless driving?

__Threatened or attempted to drown you?

Does you partner. . .

__Consistently say or do things that shame, embarass, ridicule or insult you?

Has your partner called you: stupid, lazy, nasty, silly, fat and ugly, etc.

Has your partner told you:

You can't do anything right.

You'll never get a job.

You're an unfit parent.

You don't deserve anything.

Does your partner. . .

__Break furniture, flood rooms, ransack or dump garbage in your house?

__Slash tires, break windows, steal tamper with parts or put foreign substances in the gas tank of your car?

__Kill pets to punish or frighten you?

__Destroy clothing, jewelery, photos, or other personal items that your partner knows are important to you?

Does your partner. . .

__Withhold affection to punish you?

__Threaten to hurt you or your children?

__Forbide you to work, make decisions or socialize with friends?

__Refuse to provide sexually, emotionally or economically?

__Force you sign over property, or give away personal possessions?

__Accuse you have having affairs?

__Undermine your sense of power or confidence?

Are you expected to provide sex or sexual attentions on command? Do you have to do certain things in order to get sexual attention? Does your partner comment on your sexual style or performance in either a negative demeaning way, or in front of friends in a way that embarrasses you? These are all forms of sexual abuse. Most people think that sexual abuse is rape. And while rape is a pretty extreme, severe form of sexual abuse, it isn’t the only way. Rape is the main form of sexual abuse that is considered illegal so it gets the most attention, but sexual abuse can be a lot of different things.

Basically, if your partner uses sex to control you in any way, that is sexual abuse. It can get confusing in a relationship because even with someone you feel is controlling or abusive, there will be times that you actually want to have sex with them or enjoy the attention, and it will be pleasurable. But this doesn’t change the abuse and doesn’t excuse their behavior. If you feel that sexual abuse is part of the dynamic in your relationship, please talk to either a domestic violence advocate or a sexual assault advocate. They can talk you through it. Remember, NO always gets to mean NO, no matter what.

 

Are you completely confused by your partner’s behavior? Does your partner often turn things completely around? Twist your words and actions so much that you don’t even know where you started? Is your partner critical of your choices, your friends and family, of YOU in such a way that even you aren’t sure of what you think? This is psychological abuse and while it’s perhaps one of the most common forms of abuse, it’s the hardest for which to find support.  It’s not illegal and it’s hard to explain to anyone.  You can usually get someone to hear you if you tell someone that your partner yells at you, hits you, or steals from you, but when you’re just completely confused and unsure of your own reality, it’s hard to have that conversation with anyone.  

Psychological abuse is difficult to see because a skillful abuser will know your weaknesses or concerns and use them against you in very subtle ways. For example, yes, your best friend may be talkative, but your abuser can convince you that she is talking about you behind your back and can’t be trusted. They might tell you that you “look fat” in your clothes, and often suggest different things for you to wear, so much that you then ask before you dress. The truth is, they don’t care if you are fat. They don’t even think you ARE fat. YOU may have some issues with your body image, they know it, and they play on it to control you. That doesn’t make it your fault. It makes them abusive and controlling. There are also more severe forms like actual psychological torture where your partner may consistently threaten you or your children, family or pets, or threaten to harm themselves as a way of maintaining control. If any of this is happening to you, please talk to a domestic violence advocate. They will believe you.